I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
