discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
