I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
