Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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