so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
