I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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