It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
