Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
