My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
