I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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