you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
