i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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