i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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