Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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