Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
either way he was missing a nipple.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
