worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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