I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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