an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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