I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
