I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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