I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
