if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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