My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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