So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
