You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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