i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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