My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
