Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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