I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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