just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
