you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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