i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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