I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
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I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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