mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
