Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
