Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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