Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
