a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
