are you still at the devil's house?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
