I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
