Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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