So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
