I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
