So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
