Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Operation Purity has been aborted
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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