i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm really busy with my period
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