I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
