rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
