I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
