OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
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PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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