I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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