TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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