You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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