Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
