I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
