I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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