apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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