I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
