Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
